Wednesday, February 9, 2011

let's talk

So, today, February 9, 2011 is the day of the Let's Talk campaign that Clara Hughes (Olympian) is the spokesperson for. You can read more of her battle with depression here: http://www.clara-hughes.com/journal/lets-talk


I kind of thought that this was a good way for me to talk about post pardum depression...and not in a sad way.


I would just like to bring light to it. 


People who know me would most likely describe me as happy. And I am happy...but, the fact of the matter is, after having two children, close together and even with all of the support from my awesome family and friends, post pardum still crept up on me.


I think I tried to ignore it...I felt...embarrassed. I felt like a failure. I felt like an awful mom. When Jenner was five months old, I finally made an appointment with my doctor. 
We talked about how I had been feeling...best way to describe how I felt was helpless, angry, sad, desperate to run away...


Yes, depression is dark. Its hard...but depression is not embarrassing. It is common, especially after having children. More common than not, actually!


How?? How could I have post pardum? That was the question going through my mind...but after really looking at things...my relationships, my moods...and there were MOODS. I finally just thought; THIS is NOT right. This is NOT how life with two kids should be.


And another way I look at it is, I should be proud. I should be proud to have acknowledge what so many are afraid to. I should be proud that I finally took this into my own hands and got control. I should be proud that I am now the mother I should be. 


You know what was great about this whole experience!? Was being able to talk about it openly. To be able to bring light to a dark subject. My husband told me how proud he was when I went and got help. My mother said the same thing...I don't think she actually recognized the person I was. On the outside I looked the same. But on the inside, I was tormented, unhappy, vicious...and sadly, I was resentful towards my husband and my little boys.


How could I, in my right mind, be resentful towards the three loves of my life???


I could not. My right mind wouldn't allow that.


So there...I said it. I had post pardum depression. I went on medication for it. (And oh, did those words ever haunt me before.)


But you know what...I am so unbelievably happy that I did.


So enough..enough of keeping shhhhhh!! depression, a secret.


Please, I urge you, talk.


Talk about your feelings. Talk about everything. Don't let yourself go. Hold on to what is dear and near and be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend you should be!


Me, actually happy, the smile is all real, straight from the heart, happy.







2 comments:

  1. Randi, I think you were speaking right to my heart today. After having our first daughter I was really sad. I was resentful and wanting to hide away and it was hard. Really hard! I never went to my doctor because I believed I got through it. Sometimes I wondered if it was right but that was how I dealt. The exterior was happy and loving everything but inside I was fighting for my life within myself. I loved my life and this is hard to write but like I said, you spoke to my heart today. Thank you.

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  2. It is a topic no one wants to talk about because as a mother you are supposed to be overwhelmed with joy. My daughter is 12 weeks and it has only been in the past few weeks that I have not felt like staying in the house all the time. I did not want to see anyone, but I could put on a good show if I had to. We never really know the true extent of what goes on behind other people's closed doors. This blog really resonated with me Randie!

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