Sunday, May 22, 2011

As it is...

So, I have been unbelievably confused, torn, up and down and all around regarding WORK. I am at the point where I feel I need to get out of the house...some days it's like if I leave the house, I will need to be drug back in kicking and screaming.
And some days, I can't stand the thought of leaving my children. Not even for a second.
We have all been there, as parents, we have all struggled, especially as mom's. We want what is best for our babies. So, in my eyes, what is best for my kids, is me...being there, present, ever present in their lives. There for every bed time, bath, snack, story, movie, popcorn making, hot chocolate, owie, kiss, hug, tantrum...all of it.
For our home, daddy is working. All. The. Time. He rarely gets more than two hours a day with is boys. And it is hard. So I feel that one of us should be a constant in their lives. I also feel that a little time away is good...you know, a date night or weekend, where someone comes to our house and looks after them, in their home. Especially at the age they are at right now. When they are older, they can go have their sleepovers at their grandparent's, with their cousins or a friend.

I set myself up, in a way...I was so ready and positive and willing to back to work...and the second I started I felt un-easy...but still happy. Its hard to explain.
But you know when you have days where you are working and cleaning and trying to get caught up at home and dealing with grouchy kids and everything seems so hard? Add that on to a work day...and it just wasn't for me. Not yet.

I had a great conversation with my sister and cousin...who are all stay at home mom's...my cousin, who was a teacher before, now runs a day home out of her house. And power to her, because I could never do it! I chose to have two children, because that is what is manageable and enjoyable for me.
My sister is the same way. Although she can handle it, it is not her preference.

So what do you do when you feel you need to contribute financially? And what is more important right now?

One...my kids. They are always at the top of the list. If they need me, then I will be there.

Our conversation was about just that. This is our life, right NOW. THIS is where we are at, and where we need to be. THIS is temporary. And in a few years it will all be different. But for now, lets just settle in and enjoy our children. Enjoy taking them to the park, swimming, having them in activities...this is the most important time, and it is so short, and we have to make the best of it and mold our little people into well rounded people. When they are older, I hope they will share the same fond memories of being at home with mom. My mom was there for us, we learned so much, had so much fun, spent our days baking, playing, doing yard work, cleaning and helping neighbors do all of their work too. I remember spring cleaning, when my mom would have Aunty Gail and Aunty Marie come over and in a day or two the whole house would be sparkling and smelling so fresh and clean. They would wash walls, carpets, floors, above the kitchen cupboard where all the old tea pots and bowls were placed...there wouldn't be a spec of dust. Not a spec. And over the next several days, off we would go, first to Aunty Marie's house to clean floor to ceiling, then over to Aunty Gail's to do the same for her. What a system that was! They had so much fun doing the spring cleaning. I think my sister and I should do that together with a couple other friends...after all, we had a blast painting our house!

My mom always says that when we were little we "lived within our means, we got what we needed, not what we wanted." I am going to try my best to do that...yes I want to work, yes I want pretty clothes and nails and nice hair...but I need to be home with my boys, I need to fulfill their needs, they need me, I need them and Jesse needs us. So here we are...firmly planted, and very happy. I could spend hours thinking about things I would love to do, butt hen I would miss out on the things I get to do with my kids, my friends, my husband.

There is plenty of time in my life to do everything else, and I will do it when I can!

I am so grateful to Sarah and her family at Home Hardware for allowing me to test the waters and see what daily life would be like if I went back to work full time. I learned fast that my boys don't like to be rushed in the morning by a hectic mom, with make up applied to one eye, while drinking coffee, and cleaning up breakfast, and pulling pieces of porridge from little hair, and saying "Hurry up! We gotta go!"
They love their laid back mornings; momma sipping coffee, enjoying the beautiful sunshine on the deck, music in the background, playing peacefully, eventually having porridge and toast...and sometimes a sweet treat of hot chocolate with a little handful of marshmallows.

Why would I take that from them? Better yet, why would I ever, ever take that from myself??



Life throws you curves balls and teaches you lessons and gives you amazing gifts such as children...how on earth could I ever miss out on the sweetest little years of my babies lives? I go to sleep at night (So grateful that I get the chance to rest) but the last thought in my mind and the first thought when I wake up are my boys. I can't wait to hear Jenner bouncing up and down and squealing and laughing while he waits for me to open the door to his room, shedding fresh morning light on his sweet little, puffy-eyed, fresh from slumber face. His hair is always ruffled up over his ears, his big, somewhat toothless smile and sucked-in-threw-his-throat squeal of excitement when he sees me just about floors me. I melt as I reached of the crib to scoop him up, while he scrambles for Horsey and a soother....there's gotta be a soother here somewhere...and he leans into my neck and I give him the best hug I can give him before he squirms out of my arms and runs away saying "Hey-ooooo!" which is his version of 'hello".
All the while, he anxiously awaits the sound of his brothers little voice coming out from behind his bedroom door, "Mommy, where ahhhhhh you!?"

We wake up, we play, I get them milk, we eat breakfast and play some more. Some days we rush so we can get groceries or go to the park, but why would I rush that? Everyday?
Not for me. I want my boys to know that you don't always have to be in a big rush...being rushed is stressful. (Note to self: being rushed IS stressful...so no more rushing Jesse!!)

I love my life.

Huh...imagine that...I really, truly do love my life. Just as it is.

So honestly, thank you Sarah. Thank you so much, from myself and my family, especially my boys. You helped me, and allowed me to see the importance of being there for my boys, my husband, and myself. It taught me to see the beauty in my life...as it is. ❤


And now some pictures I took in the greenhouse at Home Hardware, an equally beautiful place to work...or just stroll around in and smell the flowers.













Tuesday, May 3, 2011

This new house is beautiful for people to go in - Ellis Smith, Age 2 1/2

I agree with the title 100% and am thankful Ellis feels that way!
We've basically been in our house for a month now...it's been nothing but wonderful! We've had so many friends over, BBQ's, and Jenner's 1st Birthday! Its been everything we've hoped it would be! It truly s the perfect home for us and our family.
The boys have settled in nicely and have already made their own little routines...waking first thing in the morning so they can head out and play on the deck in their pajama's while I make breakfast. They run and squeal and jump and climb, I swear, they are the only kids in the neighborhood out that early, making that much noise! I'm thinking we will be having lots of breakfasts, lunches and dinners out on the deck.
When I was little, all we ever did was play outside...eat outside...everything was outside. And I have heard stories about Jesse eating breakfast on the front stoop of his parents' house in Thunder Bay, just waiting for other neighborhood kids to wake up and come out to play. I'm glad the boys love it out there...I can not wait to plant some trees, flowers, and make a little play area for the boys! We just need to finish the fence on either side of the house first!

Jenner's birthday party was awesome, we had over 35 people in our house...and it felt awesome. It was squishy, but cosy! It was loud, children were squealing and laughing, they were outside, downstairs, upstairs...it was perfect! I can't wait to have more crowds like that again! And can't wait for our Thunder Bay family to come visit again!

The awesome cake our friend Dani made. LOVED IT.

The birthday boy (always with a soother) clapping for his cake!
Since being in town we've spent some time at the park, which we all love. One day we met up with my sister and her girls, and we went on an adventure! It was so fun! We found Easter Bunny poop. For REAL! Josie was so incredibly excited that she came running through the path and out of the tree s and screamed "Ellllliiiiiissss!! It's Easter Bunny pooooooop!! Come seeeee!"

Here she comes! 
Rolling down hills is, by far, the absolute most fun thing you could ever do! EVER!

Up and down, up and down, up and down!

We blew bubbles...the excitement in a child's face when they blow bubbles is so sweet to look at!

Brave Halle...showing us how to climb a rope ladder!

They did this countless times!

Our adventure! Follow the leader!

Jenner enjoying sand!

All of these pictures have made me think about my childhood, how much fun we had. How much love surrounded us. How stress-free life was. 
I've been thinking so much about the past...never wanting to change anything, otherwise life wouldn't be what it is now. But I have just been relishing in it. Relishing in the way Jesse and I came together. Relishing in the lives of our little boys and our nieces. I can't help but open up the computer and look through the over 8,000 pictures I have and remember each moment as if it had just happened yesterday. I remember everything so clearly, every photo brings joy to my heart. I have hundreds of videos of the kids. I was just watching videos from when Jenner was first born, and I am so grateful that women were given the gift of growing and nurturing a child within ourselves. I only wish we possessed the strength to get over that hump, the six weeks after labour, and get our hormones back so that the darker times are few and far between. I remember staring down at Jenner and feeling so much love and joy but still some sadness. I don't know what about, or for what reason, and I don't care to know. I and just so pleased that I have gotten over that, moved on, and have been in absolute, heart throbbing love with my boys. All of them. My husband and our babies. (We have our moments, but I don't want to ruin this moment by thinking about them!)

I hope to spend years in this house, really make it our own. At first we figured it would just be a stepping stone to the dream home we've always wanted...but I have been having some pretty big dreams fulfilled in this house...and am seeing more come to life as the days go by. So maybe, we won't settle, but we will flourish in this house, just as we are.

And now, I'd like to bless you with our first family picture in this house...it's most flattering! And quite typical of us...



Also, a few more of my favourite pics from our new home so far....
Grandma Lil, squishing her face on the window, getting giggles out of Jenner