Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Love, Tears and Bobby-pins


Big G
My Grandma Clara passed away on August 5th. As hard as it is still, I am happy for her. She has been "ready to go home" for at least a year now. It's hard to picture the rest of my life without her, as she has been such a strong presence in it for almost 31 years. But, I will try to do her proud and let her spirit live through me.

I am going to miss her smile, hugs, jokes, long talks and walks. She was such a strong, beautiful woman; unbelievably proud and overflowing with love.

She led an honest life, accepted others as they were, never passed judgement, never raised her voice, and always made you feel as though you were important.

Our family has had an ongoing joke for years, where we all say "I'm her favourite". And she would say, to your face, "You're my favourite." And if you were to look in every single birthday card of every single family member, it says, "To my favourite Grand Daughter" or grandson, or whatever you were to her. It's such a simple little thing, but it made us feel awesome!! And still does.

Big Grandma (who wasn't big physically, but had the biggest heart ever) was the head of a family of over 100 members. She left a legacy behind her. She set a fine example for each and every one of us. She had an extremely special relationship with each and every one of us. And she made all of us feel as though we were the most important, special person in her life. The moment she saw us, her eyes lit up, her smile lit up and her hands came out to cup your face as we gave her a kiss. "I love you" were always the first and last words from her mouth when we visited. I still hear her soft voice. I miss it. And over and over, I tell myself, this is life, things change, people come and go, and all you can do is cherish each moment.

I think of the many losses she had in her life. Years and years of losing her loved ones. She out lived children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, her husband, sister and many friends. She always found comfort in knowing they were with God. And she missed them dearly, but looked forward to the day she would reunite with each and every one of them.

She was a devoted woman. Devoted to her husband, Grandpa Gerry, who had passed away over 30 years ago. Never did she love another man. She was his wife, and only his. I couldn't imagine how lonely she must have felt. But she surrounded herself with so many good people, came to every family function, felt the joy in holding a new baby and allowed these things to fill the void. She was amazing. She really was.


I have hundreds of fond memories of Grandma...spending the night at her house, baking bannock, picking berries, feeding chickens, getting eggs, feeding horses...everything was so simple. It was all so fun, so happy. I don't remember every feeling sad when I was around her...I don't remember fighting with my siblings or cousins around her. She had this calmness and peacefulness around her and there was no need for negativity.

The morning of August 5th, I woke up with a strong feeling that I needed to go see Big Grandma. She had been in the U of A hospital in Edmonton since the day before because of a broken hip. I just had that sinking feeling. I knew that this was it, as I'm sure many of us did. I called my dad and said I wanted to go see her, he said he'd come with me later on that day. While we were on the phone, the other line beeped and he was told by my mom that she was going. She wasn't strong enough for surgery and had suffered a severe heart attack earlier that morning.

My dad and I ended up traveling together to the city to be with her, my mom and aunt. This was it. We had a good trip, and just kind of let the fact that Grandma was going sink in. I caught myself tearing up a few times and praying "Please wait for me Grandma, please wait." I had so much I wanted to tell her.

We pulled up to the hospital and walked in to find her in her room. I had a very nervous, uneasy feeling...I was scared, and didn't know what to expect.

We walked in to her room, I saw my mom and asked "How is she?" she came towards me with tears and said "Not good." We cried and hugged, and I said firmly, "It's OK, this is OK."

I sat by Grandma's bed, held her hand, hugged her, kissed her, told her I loved her, told her I was so happy she got to show my babies how much she loved them, told her it was ok to go to heaven, told her I was so grateful to have her as my grandma.

I took a deep breath, and that familiar sense of calm and peace came over me. I didn't let go of her beautiful, soft, hard working hand. I started to sing to her. I sang "Angel" by Sarah McLachlin. We spent the next couple hours trying to keep her comfortable. We talked and laughed and let her know we were with her.

I grabbed her hand one last time and started to sing "If I Needed You". She squeezed my hand, and before I was finished the first verse, she went. So peacefully.

Minutes later, more and more family members came in to the room. They has all been traveling as quickly as they could to get to Grandma. We all just wanted to be there for her as she had been there for us. We ended up having an apple juice toast to her, her beauty, her strength, her courage and legacy. We really did celebrate her life.

I am so blessed to have been at her side when she passed. It was such a beautiful experience. I hope to be there for as many people as I can when they go. I think it as just as important to let someone go out of this world with open arms as it is to welcome them into this world with open arms.

Death is a beautiful as birth, because it's a rebirth. I find comfort in that.

That night, the sky was black, it seemed as though there would be a storm coming. And we began the 2 1/2 hour drive home. We pulled in to a gas station off the highway to fuel up. I drove mom, and my dad drove my aunt. We were all so exhausted and commented on how dark it was out. We headed back towards home and almost instantly the Northern Lights came out and literally lit the highway all the way home. It was pretty incredible. We new it was Grandma looking out for us, as she always has.

Over the last four weeks I have cried on and off. I have spent hours and hours curled up in one of the many blankets Grandma had made. I feel her around me. I feel that calm. That peace.



I've also noticed bobby-pins. I've found about six. And i makes me giggle...Grandma always had a little bobby-pin in her hair. I've found them at the top of my stairs, on ein my bathroom, one at the mall entrance, Jenner found one under our coffee table, and even one in my key bowl.

I like that she keeps leaving me little reminders of her. I hope she continues to do so. I hope to visit with her in my dreams.

I love you Grandma Clara. Thank you for being such a big part of my life.

After this short little walk last summer, she came upstairs and had tea with Jesse and I.
We talked for hours about the old days.
One of my most favourite memories.









Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father, Husband, Best Friend

It's been almost a month since my last post...I've been soaking up the outdoors daily with my boys, tossing them in the chariot and going to bike rides. My neighbor and I have gone together, and my sister along with her girls. Best exercise ever! There's nothing like pulling over fifty pounds of toddlers behind ya to get the old heart rate going!

We have been spending so much time outside, the weather has been most favourable...excluding the last week...rain, rain, rain. But, I love it! Everything looks so lush and full!
Watermelon, kiddie pool and sunshine. Need I say more?

Over the last few weeks we have also been spending lots of time with Josie, Halle and my sister. The kids love it. We enjoyed a day at Bud Miller Park where there was face painting, bounce houses, obstacle courses, wagon rides, balloons, miniature horses pulling chariots, train rides...it was awesome!
We wore the kids out, Jesse even had the day off to come and join us. It was a blast!

Halle was so adorable getting her face painted

Pretty flower!

Bounce house heaven

Puppy and E-Man ready for the train ride!

Snack time!

That's right, a kick-ass day, makes for a kick-ass smile!

Snacks and a rest!

Weeeeeeeee!

Potato Sack race! This girl rocked!

Babies, grass, and sprinklers!

Mommy's make up...

All of these pictures make me smile, they warm my sometimes cold heart, they remind me of summer as a kid, they remind me of the ridiculous amount of love I have for my family.
I am enjoying every get together as much as possible, I love spur of the moment trips to the park or visits from friends. Summer is so good!

Another thing I am enjoying more and more is my husband. (Now don't get your minds in the gutter, here!)

In three days, we will have been married for four years. We will have been together for nine.

It seems so crazy to me, that the man I met nine years ago in Calgary is now my loving husband, and adoring father to my children. Still, to this day, we will sometimes look at each other say "How did we get here!!??" Not in a bad way...just in a bit of disbelief, that we turned our lives into this...this awesome thing. Where we wake up every day and get to hang out with these two cool little dudes. Where its not the just the two of us anymore, its the four of us. Where we would give anything to make sure our children are happy and loved.

I look back over the last almost-decade and think of the highs and lows, and I don't regret one thing. I don't regret my mistakes or his. They have made us who and what we are today.

Watching you grow and change has been pretty impressive...from the care-free to the responsible one. Your priorities and role in life have shifted to father of two and husband. I adore you. I adore how the boys look up to you. Every day, when Ellis gets up from his nap, he says, "Yook mommy, I dus like daddy!" as he struts out of his room with his shirt off. I listen to how he talks to Jenner, with such gentleness, telling him he can climb on to the couch, saying "It's ok buddy, you can do it!"
I love how you are so encouraging to them and myself. I love how you are their biggest fan. And I love how you are still my best friend.

I honestly, truly meant it when I repeated my vows to you at our wedding. From the bottom of my heart...and I know you did too, even though we kept giggling at each other and our J.P. had to remind us that "this is a wedding". You still make me laugh.

I loved our Palm Ceremony. I wish I could upload the picture of us looking at each other's hands...

These are the hands of your best friend
Young and strong, and vibrant with love.

These are the hands 
That will work along side of yours, 
As together you build your future,
As you laugh and cry, 
As you share your innermost secrets and dreams.

These are the hands that will hold each child
in tender love, soothing them through
Illness and hurt; encouraging them along
The way and knowing when it's time to let go.

These are the hands that will love you
And cherish you through the years, 
For a lifetime of happiness.

I loved that, and still do. It has held so true. I could not picture my heart in someone else's trust. I never want to think of the day where we will not be together. I want to stay just as we are, with our boys, always laughing, always hugging, always there.

You have amazed me, you have shown me a part of my heart that I never knew existed, and as the years go on, I find that my heart seems to grow, I feel more.

Thank you for being a great father, husband, best friend.

Thank you for sharing your heart with me.

Happy Father's Day, Happy Anniversary.

Thank you for this day...

And this day...

And this day...

And this day...



And this day!

My heart will be your shelter,
My arms will be your home
We will walk together through life
As partners and best friends.



Sunday, May 22, 2011

As it is...

So, I have been unbelievably confused, torn, up and down and all around regarding WORK. I am at the point where I feel I need to get out of the house...some days it's like if I leave the house, I will need to be drug back in kicking and screaming.
And some days, I can't stand the thought of leaving my children. Not even for a second.
We have all been there, as parents, we have all struggled, especially as mom's. We want what is best for our babies. So, in my eyes, what is best for my kids, is me...being there, present, ever present in their lives. There for every bed time, bath, snack, story, movie, popcorn making, hot chocolate, owie, kiss, hug, tantrum...all of it.
For our home, daddy is working. All. The. Time. He rarely gets more than two hours a day with is boys. And it is hard. So I feel that one of us should be a constant in their lives. I also feel that a little time away is good...you know, a date night or weekend, where someone comes to our house and looks after them, in their home. Especially at the age they are at right now. When they are older, they can go have their sleepovers at their grandparent's, with their cousins or a friend.

I set myself up, in a way...I was so ready and positive and willing to back to work...and the second I started I felt un-easy...but still happy. Its hard to explain.
But you know when you have days where you are working and cleaning and trying to get caught up at home and dealing with grouchy kids and everything seems so hard? Add that on to a work day...and it just wasn't for me. Not yet.

I had a great conversation with my sister and cousin...who are all stay at home mom's...my cousin, who was a teacher before, now runs a day home out of her house. And power to her, because I could never do it! I chose to have two children, because that is what is manageable and enjoyable for me.
My sister is the same way. Although she can handle it, it is not her preference.

So what do you do when you feel you need to contribute financially? And what is more important right now?

One...my kids. They are always at the top of the list. If they need me, then I will be there.

Our conversation was about just that. This is our life, right NOW. THIS is where we are at, and where we need to be. THIS is temporary. And in a few years it will all be different. But for now, lets just settle in and enjoy our children. Enjoy taking them to the park, swimming, having them in activities...this is the most important time, and it is so short, and we have to make the best of it and mold our little people into well rounded people. When they are older, I hope they will share the same fond memories of being at home with mom. My mom was there for us, we learned so much, had so much fun, spent our days baking, playing, doing yard work, cleaning and helping neighbors do all of their work too. I remember spring cleaning, when my mom would have Aunty Gail and Aunty Marie come over and in a day or two the whole house would be sparkling and smelling so fresh and clean. They would wash walls, carpets, floors, above the kitchen cupboard where all the old tea pots and bowls were placed...there wouldn't be a spec of dust. Not a spec. And over the next several days, off we would go, first to Aunty Marie's house to clean floor to ceiling, then over to Aunty Gail's to do the same for her. What a system that was! They had so much fun doing the spring cleaning. I think my sister and I should do that together with a couple other friends...after all, we had a blast painting our house!

My mom always says that when we were little we "lived within our means, we got what we needed, not what we wanted." I am going to try my best to do that...yes I want to work, yes I want pretty clothes and nails and nice hair...but I need to be home with my boys, I need to fulfill their needs, they need me, I need them and Jesse needs us. So here we are...firmly planted, and very happy. I could spend hours thinking about things I would love to do, butt hen I would miss out on the things I get to do with my kids, my friends, my husband.

There is plenty of time in my life to do everything else, and I will do it when I can!

I am so grateful to Sarah and her family at Home Hardware for allowing me to test the waters and see what daily life would be like if I went back to work full time. I learned fast that my boys don't like to be rushed in the morning by a hectic mom, with make up applied to one eye, while drinking coffee, and cleaning up breakfast, and pulling pieces of porridge from little hair, and saying "Hurry up! We gotta go!"
They love their laid back mornings; momma sipping coffee, enjoying the beautiful sunshine on the deck, music in the background, playing peacefully, eventually having porridge and toast...and sometimes a sweet treat of hot chocolate with a little handful of marshmallows.

Why would I take that from them? Better yet, why would I ever, ever take that from myself??



Life throws you curves balls and teaches you lessons and gives you amazing gifts such as children...how on earth could I ever miss out on the sweetest little years of my babies lives? I go to sleep at night (So grateful that I get the chance to rest) but the last thought in my mind and the first thought when I wake up are my boys. I can't wait to hear Jenner bouncing up and down and squealing and laughing while he waits for me to open the door to his room, shedding fresh morning light on his sweet little, puffy-eyed, fresh from slumber face. His hair is always ruffled up over his ears, his big, somewhat toothless smile and sucked-in-threw-his-throat squeal of excitement when he sees me just about floors me. I melt as I reached of the crib to scoop him up, while he scrambles for Horsey and a soother....there's gotta be a soother here somewhere...and he leans into my neck and I give him the best hug I can give him before he squirms out of my arms and runs away saying "Hey-ooooo!" which is his version of 'hello".
All the while, he anxiously awaits the sound of his brothers little voice coming out from behind his bedroom door, "Mommy, where ahhhhhh you!?"

We wake up, we play, I get them milk, we eat breakfast and play some more. Some days we rush so we can get groceries or go to the park, but why would I rush that? Everyday?
Not for me. I want my boys to know that you don't always have to be in a big rush...being rushed is stressful. (Note to self: being rushed IS stressful...so no more rushing Jesse!!)

I love my life.

Huh...imagine that...I really, truly do love my life. Just as it is.

So honestly, thank you Sarah. Thank you so much, from myself and my family, especially my boys. You helped me, and allowed me to see the importance of being there for my boys, my husband, and myself. It taught me to see the beauty in my life...as it is. ❤


And now some pictures I took in the greenhouse at Home Hardware, an equally beautiful place to work...or just stroll around in and smell the flowers.













Tuesday, May 3, 2011

This new house is beautiful for people to go in - Ellis Smith, Age 2 1/2

I agree with the title 100% and am thankful Ellis feels that way!
We've basically been in our house for a month now...it's been nothing but wonderful! We've had so many friends over, BBQ's, and Jenner's 1st Birthday! Its been everything we've hoped it would be! It truly s the perfect home for us and our family.
The boys have settled in nicely and have already made their own little routines...waking first thing in the morning so they can head out and play on the deck in their pajama's while I make breakfast. They run and squeal and jump and climb, I swear, they are the only kids in the neighborhood out that early, making that much noise! I'm thinking we will be having lots of breakfasts, lunches and dinners out on the deck.
When I was little, all we ever did was play outside...eat outside...everything was outside. And I have heard stories about Jesse eating breakfast on the front stoop of his parents' house in Thunder Bay, just waiting for other neighborhood kids to wake up and come out to play. I'm glad the boys love it out there...I can not wait to plant some trees, flowers, and make a little play area for the boys! We just need to finish the fence on either side of the house first!

Jenner's birthday party was awesome, we had over 35 people in our house...and it felt awesome. It was squishy, but cosy! It was loud, children were squealing and laughing, they were outside, downstairs, upstairs...it was perfect! I can't wait to have more crowds like that again! And can't wait for our Thunder Bay family to come visit again!

The awesome cake our friend Dani made. LOVED IT.

The birthday boy (always with a soother) clapping for his cake!
Since being in town we've spent some time at the park, which we all love. One day we met up with my sister and her girls, and we went on an adventure! It was so fun! We found Easter Bunny poop. For REAL! Josie was so incredibly excited that she came running through the path and out of the tree s and screamed "Ellllliiiiiissss!! It's Easter Bunny pooooooop!! Come seeeee!"

Here she comes! 
Rolling down hills is, by far, the absolute most fun thing you could ever do! EVER!

Up and down, up and down, up and down!

We blew bubbles...the excitement in a child's face when they blow bubbles is so sweet to look at!

Brave Halle...showing us how to climb a rope ladder!

They did this countless times!

Our adventure! Follow the leader!

Jenner enjoying sand!

All of these pictures have made me think about my childhood, how much fun we had. How much love surrounded us. How stress-free life was. 
I've been thinking so much about the past...never wanting to change anything, otherwise life wouldn't be what it is now. But I have just been relishing in it. Relishing in the way Jesse and I came together. Relishing in the lives of our little boys and our nieces. I can't help but open up the computer and look through the over 8,000 pictures I have and remember each moment as if it had just happened yesterday. I remember everything so clearly, every photo brings joy to my heart. I have hundreds of videos of the kids. I was just watching videos from when Jenner was first born, and I am so grateful that women were given the gift of growing and nurturing a child within ourselves. I only wish we possessed the strength to get over that hump, the six weeks after labour, and get our hormones back so that the darker times are few and far between. I remember staring down at Jenner and feeling so much love and joy but still some sadness. I don't know what about, or for what reason, and I don't care to know. I and just so pleased that I have gotten over that, moved on, and have been in absolute, heart throbbing love with my boys. All of them. My husband and our babies. (We have our moments, but I don't want to ruin this moment by thinking about them!)

I hope to spend years in this house, really make it our own. At first we figured it would just be a stepping stone to the dream home we've always wanted...but I have been having some pretty big dreams fulfilled in this house...and am seeing more come to life as the days go by. So maybe, we won't settle, but we will flourish in this house, just as we are.

And now, I'd like to bless you with our first family picture in this house...it's most flattering! And quite typical of us...



Also, a few more of my favourite pics from our new home so far....
Grandma Lil, squishing her face on the window, getting giggles out of Jenner