Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Love, Tears and Bobby-pins


Big G
My Grandma Clara passed away on August 5th. As hard as it is still, I am happy for her. She has been "ready to go home" for at least a year now. It's hard to picture the rest of my life without her, as she has been such a strong presence in it for almost 31 years. But, I will try to do her proud and let her spirit live through me.

I am going to miss her smile, hugs, jokes, long talks and walks. She was such a strong, beautiful woman; unbelievably proud and overflowing with love.

She led an honest life, accepted others as they were, never passed judgement, never raised her voice, and always made you feel as though you were important.

Our family has had an ongoing joke for years, where we all say "I'm her favourite". And she would say, to your face, "You're my favourite." And if you were to look in every single birthday card of every single family member, it says, "To my favourite Grand Daughter" or grandson, or whatever you were to her. It's such a simple little thing, but it made us feel awesome!! And still does.

Big Grandma (who wasn't big physically, but had the biggest heart ever) was the head of a family of over 100 members. She left a legacy behind her. She set a fine example for each and every one of us. She had an extremely special relationship with each and every one of us. And she made all of us feel as though we were the most important, special person in her life. The moment she saw us, her eyes lit up, her smile lit up and her hands came out to cup your face as we gave her a kiss. "I love you" were always the first and last words from her mouth when we visited. I still hear her soft voice. I miss it. And over and over, I tell myself, this is life, things change, people come and go, and all you can do is cherish each moment.

I think of the many losses she had in her life. Years and years of losing her loved ones. She out lived children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, her husband, sister and many friends. She always found comfort in knowing they were with God. And she missed them dearly, but looked forward to the day she would reunite with each and every one of them.

She was a devoted woman. Devoted to her husband, Grandpa Gerry, who had passed away over 30 years ago. Never did she love another man. She was his wife, and only his. I couldn't imagine how lonely she must have felt. But she surrounded herself with so many good people, came to every family function, felt the joy in holding a new baby and allowed these things to fill the void. She was amazing. She really was.


I have hundreds of fond memories of Grandma...spending the night at her house, baking bannock, picking berries, feeding chickens, getting eggs, feeding horses...everything was so simple. It was all so fun, so happy. I don't remember every feeling sad when I was around her...I don't remember fighting with my siblings or cousins around her. She had this calmness and peacefulness around her and there was no need for negativity.

The morning of August 5th, I woke up with a strong feeling that I needed to go see Big Grandma. She had been in the U of A hospital in Edmonton since the day before because of a broken hip. I just had that sinking feeling. I knew that this was it, as I'm sure many of us did. I called my dad and said I wanted to go see her, he said he'd come with me later on that day. While we were on the phone, the other line beeped and he was told by my mom that she was going. She wasn't strong enough for surgery and had suffered a severe heart attack earlier that morning.

My dad and I ended up traveling together to the city to be with her, my mom and aunt. This was it. We had a good trip, and just kind of let the fact that Grandma was going sink in. I caught myself tearing up a few times and praying "Please wait for me Grandma, please wait." I had so much I wanted to tell her.

We pulled up to the hospital and walked in to find her in her room. I had a very nervous, uneasy feeling...I was scared, and didn't know what to expect.

We walked in to her room, I saw my mom and asked "How is she?" she came towards me with tears and said "Not good." We cried and hugged, and I said firmly, "It's OK, this is OK."

I sat by Grandma's bed, held her hand, hugged her, kissed her, told her I loved her, told her I was so happy she got to show my babies how much she loved them, told her it was ok to go to heaven, told her I was so grateful to have her as my grandma.

I took a deep breath, and that familiar sense of calm and peace came over me. I didn't let go of her beautiful, soft, hard working hand. I started to sing to her. I sang "Angel" by Sarah McLachlin. We spent the next couple hours trying to keep her comfortable. We talked and laughed and let her know we were with her.

I grabbed her hand one last time and started to sing "If I Needed You". She squeezed my hand, and before I was finished the first verse, she went. So peacefully.

Minutes later, more and more family members came in to the room. They has all been traveling as quickly as they could to get to Grandma. We all just wanted to be there for her as she had been there for us. We ended up having an apple juice toast to her, her beauty, her strength, her courage and legacy. We really did celebrate her life.

I am so blessed to have been at her side when she passed. It was such a beautiful experience. I hope to be there for as many people as I can when they go. I think it as just as important to let someone go out of this world with open arms as it is to welcome them into this world with open arms.

Death is a beautiful as birth, because it's a rebirth. I find comfort in that.

That night, the sky was black, it seemed as though there would be a storm coming. And we began the 2 1/2 hour drive home. We pulled in to a gas station off the highway to fuel up. I drove mom, and my dad drove my aunt. We were all so exhausted and commented on how dark it was out. We headed back towards home and almost instantly the Northern Lights came out and literally lit the highway all the way home. It was pretty incredible. We new it was Grandma looking out for us, as she always has.

Over the last four weeks I have cried on and off. I have spent hours and hours curled up in one of the many blankets Grandma had made. I feel her around me. I feel that calm. That peace.



I've also noticed bobby-pins. I've found about six. And i makes me giggle...Grandma always had a little bobby-pin in her hair. I've found them at the top of my stairs, on ein my bathroom, one at the mall entrance, Jenner found one under our coffee table, and even one in my key bowl.

I like that she keeps leaving me little reminders of her. I hope she continues to do so. I hope to visit with her in my dreams.

I love you Grandma Clara. Thank you for being such a big part of my life.

After this short little walk last summer, she came upstairs and had tea with Jesse and I.
We talked for hours about the old days.
One of my most favourite memories.