My Momma

My mom is my everything. She is my rock. My support. My biggest fan. I love her with the deep, unconditional love that I love my children and husband with. The kind that burns in your chest, and leaves you breathless. I have always admired her. When I was little, she was home with us kids, and that left such an impression on me. A lot of my friends were lucky enough to have their moms at home with them, and some had moms who worked very hard out of the home. When I was little I knew I wanted to be like my mom. I may not be as sweet, kind, and soft spoken as she is, but I am able to be at home with my kids...just like she was for us. I do the same things she did with me, with my boys. We bake, clean, make experiments, play outside, cuddle for movies...and so much more. Mom was always there for us, and if she needed some quiet time, she told us. She would send us outside to play, which on the farm, was the best. We would jump bails, ride bikes, walk along the top rail of the wooden fence trying not to lose our balance, we would dig tunnels in the snow-filled ditches, go tobogganing, mow grass in the summer, play in the corn in the garden...and she would be busy cleaning, baking, making supper, or maybe she would sneak in a quick rest. She did pretty well at managing four kids.

It's always a shock when you are told someone has been diagnosed with a disease. The shock stays with you for days, even weeks, maybe it never goes away. I think the shock is intensified when its a parent. In September, we were told mom has a tumor on her liver. We were told that it was connected to the main artery in her liver. We were told that it was inoperable. We were told that after six months her health would start failing. We were told that mom would be put in palliative care. We were told that mom was removed from the liver transplant list. We were told.

Well, if you know our family, we can't be "told" much. We are pretty strong-willed, strong-headed people. And we didn't like what we were being told. We felt let down. how could five or so doctors sit around a table and read over mom's file, and discuss for hours if she had any options, and then come out with nothing? Well, except this pill...but it didn't really guarantee anything other than a lot of pain, and countless other side-effects.

We had a family meeting. We discussed options. Options OUT of Canada. We were lead by family friends, to a doctor down in Phoenix, AZ. And I am so glad we were. Mom and dad called him and filled him in on our situation. He wanted to meet with them immediately. So days later, they flew down. They were greeted with open arms, they were instantly being put through tests, scans and, wait...a biopsy? A biopsy! How wonderful, after all, biopsies tell you exactly what you are dealing with!
We didn't get the chance to have a biopsy done in Edmonton...they didn't particularly see the need for it.
What we learned, was much better news than what we were told back home. We learned that yes, mom had a tumor on her liver, but it was NOT attached to the main artery. We learned that she IS OPERABLE, we learned that there ARE treatments available.
We were given HOPE.

As you can well imagine, this has been a rollercoaster ride, and we are well aware that this is just the beginning. But we are so hopeful, grateful, ad staying as positive as we can.

It is hard. It is hard knowing that mom has cancer. It is hard knowing that she will be going through surgery to have a transplant...when? We don't know yet. But we are hopeful that it is soon. It's hard knowing that my parents have had to uproot themselves from their beautiful home, and leave their old farm dog there, to be miles and miles away from all of us. It is hard to know that my little boys and my three little nieces won't be seeing mom as often as they all need to over the next weeks, months, whatever it will be. We will be doing our best to go down and see them, be with them, and just enjoy each other.

But this, this will all be worth it in the end. Imagine, a new liver, a new lease on life, a new energy that will come to my mom! She will be here to see her grandbabies, she will be here to grow old with my dad, she will be here to have US cook Christmas dinners, Thanksgiving dinners, Easter dinners for her...we will learn all her tricks in the kitchen and perfect her bun making skills, we will still have HER. She will be the matriarch of our family in the same way her mother was...always a quiet, calm, strong force in the room, always on the verge of a laugh, always ready for a hug.

I can't tell you the state of shock we all went in to after having this news put on us. For days, I cried. For weeks, I barely talked to anyone except my family, just trying to process it. And it was that quiet, sad time I needed to get moving. To get to being POSITIVE. Am I nervous? Yes. Am I determined? Yes. And for those moments where others don't feel "up for it" I will try to pull strength from within myself and give it to them. I will try to uplift them. I will always look to the positive.

We have learned an approximate cost on receiving a liver transplant, and it is beyond our means as a family, although we will still do whatever it takes to get this transplant for mom. We humbly signed up on www.youcaring.com/annsliverforlife and started a donation site for mom and dad. With in the first ten minutes we had $1200 and I looked at mom and started crying. She cried. We were speechless. We found a new hope. The amount keeps going up, bit by bit, each day. And we have a ways to go, but we feel we will get there.

It was heart-wrenching to learn that a price was basically put on mom's life. But we have an incredible back-bone of support from our friends/family/community and they are bound with determination, love and support for our family. Any time someone in our community has been in need, we have gotten together, had fundraisers, shared laughs, tears, memories, and have made our sense of community that much stronger. I love my small town of Hillmond, Saskatchewan. And the neighboring communities surrounding it, who also reach out and help people in their times of need.

I would like to thank all who have supported our cause thus far. Whether it has been through positive thoughts, hugs, smiles, sharing the link to our donation page, setting up events, and donations of money, your support does not go unnoticed. Thank you for showing us you care, it means the world to us. Every single ounce of support helps.

Love to you all.

If you'd like to read more on mom's story, and keep up to date on her progress to health, please go to: www.youcaring.com/annsliverforlife 

Words I never thought would come out of my mouth...

As a mom of boys, you know that you will have to repeat yourself over and over, you know that you will have to raise your voice over the noise of two ninjas battling it out just so you can say "Supper is ready!". You know that you will have to wipe pee off the toilet...lid, seat, floor, wall (yes, wall...while potty training I made them sit to pee just in case they needed to do a number 2, and well...they forgot to "point" down. Haha)
You know that you will have to deal with stitches (sometimes on your sons' 4th birthday), bleeding noses, ridiculous hair cuts from their father, small fingers banged by a metal dump truck, eating sand...and countless more.
But somedays, I am literally BLINDSIDED by the words that just came out of my mouth. I gasp and think "Did I seriously just have to say that??"


(During bath time) "Boys! Do not fight each other with your penises!!"

"Get your finger out of your bum!" Boy yells something barely audible and I reply: "I don't care if you like that little hole. Finger OUT!"

"Stop eating your snot."

"Do NOT pee on the trampoline!!!" While naked boy jump naked and peed on the trampoline.

"Do not pee on your brother!!"

"Why are you both sitting on the toilet and peeing? Wait...How are you doing that?"

"Why do you stink? Is that...is that paper towel in your nose? How long has it been up there!?"

"Seriously? Do not eat the dog food. It's called DOG FOOD."

"Look at me...is that poop? It is. Isn't it."

"Good brothers don't punch each other in the face."

"Don't touch the dog there."

"Stop flying that helicopter in to your brothers head!"

"Do NOT ski down the stairs!"


These are just a few of the things I've said that made me think "Wow, I really did just say that." But there are countless more, and there are even more things I get to say everyday to these two munchkins...although the days get hectic, sometimes they feel long, sometimes they blow by so quickly; I will always take the time to tell them how much I love them, to the moon, stars, and back. How proud I am of them. How they are turning in to such bright, strong, loving, caring, funny young men. And even though we can all have bad days, it doesn't mean I love them any less...it just means there was a speed bump and we got over it together, and the next one will be that much easier. We are a team...always will be.

Keeping the Peace and the Pieces together.

Trying to keep the little men occupied, busy, happy, comforted...while daddy is away working. These are the times where I need to be strong. Supportive. Encouraging. I need be focused and be the glue that keeps these boys; their hearts, their minds, their souls and spirits together, vibrant, golden. I need to be the spark in myself to get up each and every day and spill goodness and strength, overflow with joyous love for my kids, my husband and our lives. I need to encourage my husband, so that he can get through his 21 days of work, six hours away from us, in a camp. I know he feels solitude some nights. He lays there and feels the longing in his chest to be at home with us. I know, because I feel it too. I feel it for him, for myself, and for our boys. Night after night, day after day, I explain why daddy works away...not because he doesn't want to be home, because he does - and very badly. They need to be told that daddy doesn't want to miss out on things like birthdays, play school, swimming lessons...but he has to sometimes, and no matter what, if he is here or not, he is always very proud. And I send him pictures all the time, even though he doesn't see them right away, he always tells the boys how happy he is to see them doing so many fun things. There are days when the five minutes of FaceTime is just not enough. They are craving real hugs, kisses, and wrestling matches in the living room, they want to clean his work truck with him, hold his hand in a store, show him their crafts from the day. Sometimes that quick five minutes is a god send, where Jesse can magically pick up all the pieces of a day that spiraled out of control with tantrums, time outs, spats, and a haggard mommy. I do my absolute best to keep positive. To walk tall and proud and get all my chores done. When really I'd like to fall apart and cry into my pillow and release the stresses of parenting alone for weeks at a time. I wish for those moments where Jesse would be home and I could go have a bath or shower uninterrupted...where I could actually finish a cup of coffee before it gets cold, or spilled. A day where I could go, child-free, to the grocery store, or a hair appointment.
I have had days where friends or family have popped over unannounced and I have been mortified because I hadn't yet cleaned up breakfast dishes, combed my hair, or gotten the kids dressed. And I feel judged. Although, I'm sure they aren't judging...but I always assume I'm under scrutiny. Those days where the boys are acting up...and I instantly think that they see me as a spaz of a mother who's bad attitude is washing over her children. That's not the case. The truth is, you walked into our home in the middle of a long, three week shift where we are all tired, missing daddy, and feeling down. I am a little annoyed at people who presume that my kids are acting up because of me and my actions, and yes, I know 100% that parents affect their kids. But so does solo parenting. The lack of a father around the house causes more pain than you may know. And it affects MY home in a HUGE way...my husband is a devote father and husband, who rarely takes time for himself. Aside from the odd beer with friends, he does nothing. I bought him an ice-fishing shack for Christmas and its still in wrapping paper. I've told him, begged him, encouraged him to go on a trip with his buddies...he won't. So when someone who is such a positive reinforcement of love & discipline is gone, it hits us hard. The boys fall to pieces for the first four days after he's gone, as I try to get a home that had a whirlwind of a week with daddy home, back in order. When daddy is home it is all about him and the boys...we do everything together. Every. Thing. There's not much alone time for him and the kids, or for myself and him, or for just me, or just him...
The weeks he is gone are long, we struggle, but we look at it day by day, and get through it, sometimes barely, sometimes with flying colours. We have days where we excel as a little team of three, and days where we don't. Days where they boys listen and act perfectly, and days where they don't. Days where I am patient and days where I'm not. And boy do I ever feel bad when I'm not.  I always feel like I'm not quite good enough...like I'm not quite doing the job and being the best mom my boys could ask for. This is where Jesse comes in...he always has the right words to say to the boys. I feel I can't quite word things the way he can. I guess that happens when you are constantly trying to talk the little people up, teach them to be kind, solve their little (big) arguments, and are working around the clock. I know that these years are short, and I try to relish in them, and take pictures, and remember funny stories they tell me, and feel their excitement, and hope that their sweet small voices will forever be etched into my memory...I try so hard to answer all the questions and pleas; why do we grow up, why do we die, where do we go, will we come back, I don't want to grow up, I always want to be your little boy...it's exhausting...and fulfilling. But that stuff takes two. I need that support, where when I'm slipping and feeling a little overwhelmed, I need that extra little push, those small words of encouragement that take a stressful, gloomy day and turn it around and make it a bright, happy day. I need to feel like I am not doing this alone. I know that I'm not "technically" doing this alone...but three weeks at a time gets lonesome and discouragement creeps up out of no where. It's overwhelming to think that I am the soul person caring for and in control of these little men, that every move, word, and step I take are plowing the way for these two little boys. That everything I do and say is moulding them into the grown men they will one day become. It is such a bright and glaring light to look in to. Every downfall and mistake I make burns me, makes me feel like I am doing them such an injustice, that they won't excel in certain things because of me, and what I couldn't provide for them. Because of what I lack. How do I teach them things that only a daddy can teach them? I feel like they are missing out on so much because I am one singular person and can't possibly be spread so far thin. And some days that is how I feel...and I have to try so hard to shake that thought, that I am not good enough. And that I deserve a break. And that I deserve to feel good about that break. I feel like I shouldn't leave their sides when Jesse is gone, because it's unfair that their daddy is gone away, so why should their mommy be away too? I went on a five day trip in February and I felt guilty the entire time. And I still do. I know how sad they are that their daddy is gone away for work, and I have to scoop them up and make them feel good about it.
I need to find some balance, and I will find it. We have been doing this for seven months, and can continue to do it. I just need to know that I have been doing this as best I can, and tripping and stumbling is normal, and its easy to get back up, wipe the dirt off and go on. I will continue to give hugs and kisses every day, I will sooth sick, scared little boys at night, I will go through days of little to no sleep, days of cleaning, grocery shopping, play school, play dates, swimming lessons, and I will do it all as best I can. And I will try not to feel an ounce of guilt when I need to picked up, dusted off and sent on my way. Being a parent is the absolute, hardest, most rewarding job out there. And if you don't have kids, you really, really will not understand. So be soft on your judgments. Be kind to little kids who are having a bad day because they cried at bedtime for their daddy to come home...they aren't bad kids. They aren't being brats. They are sad. They feel lonely for their daddy. They don't need a time out, or a spanking. They need a hug. They need to be told that its ok. That daddy will be home soon. And that they are good little people. It breaks my heart when my kids are acting out because they don't know how to express how much they miss their dad. And I have to try and remain calm, keep my frustrations at bay, and calm them down, while teaching them how to properly show emotions. That its ok to cry, it's not necessary to be mean, and that talking is the best thing you can do when you're sad. Then reaffirm all that with hugs and a long cuddle. Kids are so delicate. Why do we want to harden them?

My boys have their calendars marked for the day daddy comes home. They stand on a chair, get a pen and make an "X" and tell me its almost time. All the while, I try to make it enjoyable, productive and comfortable for them. We build forts, paint pictures, do crafts, tell stories, they have chores, we clean up, walk the dog, and just BE. We try to keep things as normal as we can while daddy is gone. And we try not to be sad that he is working away, we try to stay positive. (Not easy, but we try.)

My New Year's Resolution

Its been too long since I last blogged...not sure why. Sometimes life gets away on us, and it reminds me to slow down. Take some time. Reflect. Soak it all in.

Over the holidays, I tried my best to keep the gifts down to a minimum. I have seen so many people spoil their already spoiled children. I'm not saying they are "bad" kids or "bad" parents for doing so...it just gets a little grotesque.

My kids are far from perfect. And I try my hardest to deal with poor behaviour properly and constructively. However, my kids would NEVER hit, bite, or scratch an ADULT. They haven't even done that to other kids - minus the hitting part. I get that kids hit. But it needs to be stopped. Ellis and Jenner are both firecrackers. They are both busy. They keep me on my toes. They keep me on edge. They keep me sane. They keep me. In their little hearts. That's where I am. And I try everyday to wade through my own BS and show them how to be good people. And some days I fail. Some days I want to give up. But most days, they are good, kind kids. I will never forget whe Ellis raised his voice at me in front of my closest friend, and she turned around and said "Don't you speak to your mother like that in front of me!" And that little bull-headed four year old raised his voice at HER. Well, that was it! As stubborn as he is, she kept at him CALMLY and would NOT be pushed around by a child. And I intervened when I could (I was driving) and reaffirmed what she was saying. And I had to ask him several times to apologize to her. He forgot how. And I kept on him, and so did she. And finally he said sorry. And he meant it. He loves her. She doesn't take any shit from any kid. And my kids STILL love her. This goes to show, that even if you don't spoil your kids until your house is cramped full of toys, that they will still love you.

We can buy our kids anything they want. But we DON'T. Because that is not the point of LIFE.

Life is about learning. Loving. Growing. Respect. Exploring. Playing outside. Cuddling. It's about PEOPLE. Family. Friends. Quality Time with those you love.

I am putting this out to the universe. I do NOT want more TOYS for my kids. I will get them toys for their birthdays. ONE toy each. I might get them clothes. And Christmas, Santa is the one who puts gifts under our tree. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, friends - save your money. Do not dump toys on us. I feel like toys are useless gifts that get played with for five minutes and fought over for three.

Up until Christmas morning there was no gifts under our tree. Every single person who came to our house asked "Where's all the presents!!??" Astounded that there were none.
I said "Santa brings the presents".

And on Christmas morning, he did. And there were TEN. Four for each kid, and two to share. There was clothing, a couple toys and play dough. And the damn playdough is my saving grace EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Have you ever been at home with your kids, and one of them says some rude remark that a smart-ass adult would make, and you actually catch yourself having a little chuckle? Now, has that same child ever said that same way-too-old-and-cheeky-for-a-child-remark in front of another adult? Have you ever noticed that adults reaction?

I really don't that our generation, and the ones following us, are actually putting in the parenting time they should be. A lot of us use sitters, nannies, day homes - and that's absolutely fine because its a necessity that both parents work in most households. I know there are damn good people out there who watch our children for house. But there are also low quality caregivers. There's even low quality parents. I just can't fathom being a parent that doesn't use time outs, or doesn't use some sort of discipline. And I don't mean the biting or hitting them back kind of parenting. Because THAT is not parenting, that is bull shit. That teaches them nothing. Well, no, it teaches them revenge. I have seen so many parents say "Do you want me to do that to you?" and then they do. And every time, I bite my tongue. Biting your kid doesn't make them stop biting. Giving your kids toy after toy after toy, doesn't make them less spoiled.

Say no once in a while. Put them on a time out. Allow them that time to reflect on their errors. If they don't understand it now, they will later. They will be better little people for it. Consistency. That's was they need.

We need to respect our kids, we need to give them the skills to be GOOD, honest, hard-working people. Not little brats that no one wants to be around. My kids will tell me if there are kids they don't want to play with. And it's because of their behavior. If my four year old and two and almost three year old can see that some kids aren't the type of kids they want to be around, what do you think other adults will think of them?

I really hope we can all open our eyes soon and see that we don't need to spend money on our kids for them to have a good life. I hope I have the strength to do that. How easy is it to buy a little toy car just to make your kid happy while you're trucking around a cart full of groceries at Superstore? Why not let them have their fit, and talk to them, explain to them that there is a difference between wants and needs. We NEED these groceries in this cart, so that we can eat and be healthy. We WANT that toy car because we like things that are shiny and new, but we already have ten different versions of that car, so we don't need it.

My kids have TWELVE flashlights. Twelve. I've never bought them one. They have more flashlights then I do, because I figure I don't need any, since they have more than they need. I can't even begin to guess how many toy cars they have. Or stuffed animals. Or holiday socks. Or clothes.

I like productive toys - like colouring books and playdough, or puzzles. But we have MORE than enough of that stuff to last us over the next three years.

So what do my kids need?

Love
Affection
Encouragement
Understanding
Support
Self-Worth
People Skills
Manners
Confidence
Strength
Pride
Humour
Balance
Humility
Dignity
Knowledge
Will
Obedience
Respect
Faith
Experiences

That's just to name a few. Not one "thing" was on that list. And I hope to keep it that way. And it is going to be SO hard. And there will be days that I know I will eat my words. But I am going to try as hard as I damn well can to stand by it.

Over the next little while, I will be picking through the boys stuff with a fine-toothed comb. Items that are duplicates, useless to them, or they no longer use will be donated.
I will also be implementing a no-buy rule for family and friends. A gift I, myself, will be giving to my children, nieces, and friends' children, will be money. Five or ten dollars for their birthdays. And that is something I will accept for my kids. But NO MORE.
They can let their little bank accounts grow. And when they head to college they can have access to it. Or if they want to buy themselves a used vehicle one day.

I am going to give my kids experiences and create memories around TIME SPENT with family, as opposed to MONEY SPENT on stuff.

Welcome to 2013, a big shift is coming, in more ways than one. And it is going to be awesome!