As it is...

So, I have been unbelievably confused, torn, up and down and all around regarding WORK. I am at the point where I feel I need to get out of the house...some days it's like if I leave the house, I will need to be drug back in kicking and screaming.
And some days, I can't stand the thought of leaving my children. Not even for a second.
We have all been there, as parents, we have all struggled, especially as mom's. We want what is best for our babies. So, in my eyes, what is best for my kids, is me...being there, present, ever present in their lives. There for every bed time, bath, snack, story, movie, popcorn making, hot chocolate, owie, kiss, hug, tantrum...all of it.
For our home, daddy is working. All. The. Time. He rarely gets more than two hours a day with is boys. And it is hard. So I feel that one of us should be a constant in their lives. I also feel that a little time away is good...you know, a date night or weekend, where someone comes to our house and looks after them, in their home. Especially at the age they are at right now. When they are older, they can go have their sleepovers at their grandparent's, with their cousins or a friend.

I set myself up, in a way...I was so ready and positive and willing to back to work...and the second I started I felt un-easy...but still happy. Its hard to explain.
But you know when you have days where you are working and cleaning and trying to get caught up at home and dealing with grouchy kids and everything seems so hard? Add that on to a work day...and it just wasn't for me. Not yet.

I had a great conversation with my sister and cousin...who are all stay at home mom's...my cousin, who was a teacher before, now runs a day home out of her house. And power to her, because I could never do it! I chose to have two children, because that is what is manageable and enjoyable for me.
My sister is the same way. Although she can handle it, it is not her preference.

So what do you do when you feel you need to contribute financially? And what is more important right now?

One...my kids. They are always at the top of the list. If they need me, then I will be there.

Our conversation was about just that. This is our life, right NOW. THIS is where we are at, and where we need to be. THIS is temporary. And in a few years it will all be different. But for now, lets just settle in and enjoy our children. Enjoy taking them to the park, swimming, having them in activities...this is the most important time, and it is so short, and we have to make the best of it and mold our little people into well rounded people. When they are older, I hope they will share the same fond memories of being at home with mom. My mom was there for us, we learned so much, had so much fun, spent our days baking, playing, doing yard work, cleaning and helping neighbors do all of their work too. I remember spring cleaning, when my mom would have Aunty Gail and Aunty Marie come over and in a day or two the whole house would be sparkling and smelling so fresh and clean. They would wash walls, carpets, floors, above the kitchen cupboard where all the old tea pots and bowls were placed...there wouldn't be a spec of dust. Not a spec. And over the next several days, off we would go, first to Aunty Marie's house to clean floor to ceiling, then over to Aunty Gail's to do the same for her. What a system that was! They had so much fun doing the spring cleaning. I think my sister and I should do that together with a couple other friends...after all, we had a blast painting our house!

My mom always says that when we were little we "lived within our means, we got what we needed, not what we wanted." I am going to try my best to do that...yes I want to work, yes I want pretty clothes and nails and nice hair...but I need to be home with my boys, I need to fulfill their needs, they need me, I need them and Jesse needs us. So here we are...firmly planted, and very happy. I could spend hours thinking about things I would love to do, butt hen I would miss out on the things I get to do with my kids, my friends, my husband.

There is plenty of time in my life to do everything else, and I will do it when I can!

I am so grateful to Sarah and her family at Home Hardware for allowing me to test the waters and see what daily life would be like if I went back to work full time. I learned fast that my boys don't like to be rushed in the morning by a hectic mom, with make up applied to one eye, while drinking coffee, and cleaning up breakfast, and pulling pieces of porridge from little hair, and saying "Hurry up! We gotta go!"
They love their laid back mornings; momma sipping coffee, enjoying the beautiful sunshine on the deck, music in the background, playing peacefully, eventually having porridge and toast...and sometimes a sweet treat of hot chocolate with a little handful of marshmallows.

Why would I take that from them? Better yet, why would I ever, ever take that from myself??

Life throws you curves balls and teaches you lessons and gives you amazing gifts such as children...how on earth could I ever miss out on the sweetest little years of my babies lives? I go to sleep at night (So grateful that I get the chance to rest) but the last thought in my mind and the first thought when I wake up are my boys. I can't wait to hear Jenner bouncing up and down and squealing and laughing while he waits for me to open the door to his room, shedding fresh morning light on his sweet little, puffy-eyed, fresh from slumber face. His hair is always ruffled up over his ears, his big, somewhat toothless smile and sucked-in-threw-his-throat squeal of excitement when he sees me just about floors me. I melt as I reached of the crib to scoop him up, while he scrambles for Horsey and a soother....there's gotta be a soother here somewhere...and he leans into my neck and I give him the best hug I can give him before he squirms out of my arms and runs away saying "Hey-ooooo!" which is his version of 'hello".
All the while, he anxiously awaits the sound of his brothers little voice coming out from behind his bedroom door, "Mommy, where ahhhhhh you!?"

We wake up, we play, I get them milk, we eat breakfast and play some more. Some days we rush so we can get groceries or go to the park, but why would I rush that? Everyday?
Not for me. I want my boys to know that you don't always have to be in a big rush...being rushed is stressful. (Note to self: being rushed IS stressful...so no more rushing Jesse!!)

I love my life.

Huh...imagine that...I really, truly do love my life. Just as it is.

So honestly, thank you Sarah. Thank you so much, from myself and my family, especially my boys. You helped me, and allowed me to see the importance of being there for my boys, my husband, and myself. It taught me to see the beauty in my life...as it is. ❤


And now some pictures I took in the greenhouse at Home Hardware, an equally beautiful place to work...or just stroll around in and smell the flowers.