As it is...

So, I have been unbelievably confused, torn, up and down and all around regarding WORK. I am at the point where I feel I need to get out of the house...some days it's like if I leave the house, I will need to be drug back in kicking and screaming.
And some days, I can't stand the thought of leaving my children. Not even for a second.
We have all been there, as parents, we have all struggled, especially as mom's. We want what is best for our babies. So, in my eyes, what is best for my kids, is me...being there, present, ever present in their lives. There for every bed time, bath, snack, story, movie, popcorn making, hot chocolate, owie, kiss, hug, tantrum...all of it.
For our home, daddy is working. All. The. Time. He rarely gets more than two hours a day with is boys. And it is hard. So I feel that one of us should be a constant in their lives. I also feel that a little time away is good...you know, a date night or weekend, where someone comes to our house and looks after them, in their home. Especially at the age they are at right now. When they are older, they can go have their sleepovers at their grandparent's, with their cousins or a friend.

I set myself up, in a way...I was so ready and positive and willing to back to work...and the second I started I felt un-easy...but still happy. Its hard to explain.
But you know when you have days where you are working and cleaning and trying to get caught up at home and dealing with grouchy kids and everything seems so hard? Add that on to a work day...and it just wasn't for me. Not yet.

I had a great conversation with my sister and cousin...who are all stay at home mom's...my cousin, who was a teacher before, now runs a day home out of her house. And power to her, because I could never do it! I chose to have two children, because that is what is manageable and enjoyable for me.
My sister is the same way. Although she can handle it, it is not her preference.

So what do you do when you feel you need to contribute financially? And what is more important right now?

One...my kids. They are always at the top of the list. If they need me, then I will be there.

Our conversation was about just that. This is our life, right NOW. THIS is where we are at, and where we need to be. THIS is temporary. And in a few years it will all be different. But for now, lets just settle in and enjoy our children. Enjoy taking them to the park, swimming, having them in activities...this is the most important time, and it is so short, and we have to make the best of it and mold our little people into well rounded people. When they are older, I hope they will share the same fond memories of being at home with mom. My mom was there for us, we learned so much, had so much fun, spent our days baking, playing, doing yard work, cleaning and helping neighbors do all of their work too. I remember spring cleaning, when my mom would have Aunty Gail and Aunty Marie come over and in a day or two the whole house would be sparkling and smelling so fresh and clean. They would wash walls, carpets, floors, above the kitchen cupboard where all the old tea pots and bowls were placed...there wouldn't be a spec of dust. Not a spec. And over the next several days, off we would go, first to Aunty Marie's house to clean floor to ceiling, then over to Aunty Gail's to do the same for her. What a system that was! They had so much fun doing the spring cleaning. I think my sister and I should do that together with a couple other friends...after all, we had a blast painting our house!

My mom always says that when we were little we "lived within our means, we got what we needed, not what we wanted." I am going to try my best to do that...yes I want to work, yes I want pretty clothes and nails and nice hair...but I need to be home with my boys, I need to fulfill their needs, they need me, I need them and Jesse needs us. So here we are...firmly planted, and very happy. I could spend hours thinking about things I would love to do, butt hen I would miss out on the things I get to do with my kids, my friends, my husband.

There is plenty of time in my life to do everything else, and I will do it when I can!

I am so grateful to Sarah and her family at Home Hardware for allowing me to test the waters and see what daily life would be like if I went back to work full time. I learned fast that my boys don't like to be rushed in the morning by a hectic mom, with make up applied to one eye, while drinking coffee, and cleaning up breakfast, and pulling pieces of porridge from little hair, and saying "Hurry up! We gotta go!"
They love their laid back mornings; momma sipping coffee, enjoying the beautiful sunshine on the deck, music in the background, playing peacefully, eventually having porridge and toast...and sometimes a sweet treat of hot chocolate with a little handful of marshmallows.

Why would I take that from them? Better yet, why would I ever, ever take that from myself??

Life throws you curves balls and teaches you lessons and gives you amazing gifts such as children...how on earth could I ever miss out on the sweetest little years of my babies lives? I go to sleep at night (So grateful that I get the chance to rest) but the last thought in my mind and the first thought when I wake up are my boys. I can't wait to hear Jenner bouncing up and down and squealing and laughing while he waits for me to open the door to his room, shedding fresh morning light on his sweet little, puffy-eyed, fresh from slumber face. His hair is always ruffled up over his ears, his big, somewhat toothless smile and sucked-in-threw-his-throat squeal of excitement when he sees me just about floors me. I melt as I reached of the crib to scoop him up, while he scrambles for Horsey and a soother....there's gotta be a soother here somewhere...and he leans into my neck and I give him the best hug I can give him before he squirms out of my arms and runs away saying "Hey-ooooo!" which is his version of 'hello".
All the while, he anxiously awaits the sound of his brothers little voice coming out from behind his bedroom door, "Mommy, where ahhhhhh you!?"

We wake up, we play, I get them milk, we eat breakfast and play some more. Some days we rush so we can get groceries or go to the park, but why would I rush that? Everyday?
Not for me. I want my boys to know that you don't always have to be in a big rush...being rushed is stressful. (Note to self: being rushed IS stressful...so no more rushing Jesse!!)

I love my life.

Huh...imagine that...I really, truly do love my life. Just as it is.

So honestly, thank you Sarah. Thank you so much, from myself and my family, especially my boys. You helped me, and allowed me to see the importance of being there for my boys, my husband, and myself. It taught me to see the beauty in my life...as it is. ❤


And now some pictures I took in the greenhouse at Home Hardware, an equally beautiful place to work...or just stroll around in and smell the flowers.

This new house is beautiful for people to go in - Ellis Smith, Age 2 1/2

I agree with the title 100% and am thankful Ellis feels that way!
We've basically been in our house for a month now...it's been nothing but wonderful! We've had so many friends over, BBQ's, and Jenner's 1st Birthday! Its been everything we've hoped it would be! It truly s the perfect home for us and our family.
The boys have settled in nicely and have already made their own little routines...waking first thing in the morning so they can head out and play on the deck in their pajama's while I make breakfast. They run and squeal and jump and climb, I swear, they are the only kids in the neighborhood out that early, making that much noise! I'm thinking we will be having lots of breakfasts, lunches and dinners out on the deck.
When I was little, all we ever did was play outside...eat outside...everything was outside. And I have heard stories about Jesse eating breakfast on the front stoop of his parents' house in Thunder Bay, just waiting for other neighborhood kids to wake up and come out to play. I'm glad the boys love it out there...I can not wait to plant some trees, flowers, and make a little play area for the boys! We just need to finish the fence on either side of the house first!

Jenner's birthday party was awesome, we had over 35 people in our house...and it felt awesome. It was squishy, but cosy! It was loud, children were squealing and laughing, they were outside, downstairs, upstairs...it was perfect! I can't wait to have more crowds like that again! And can't wait for our Thunder Bay family to come visit again!

The awesome cake our friend Dani made. LOVED IT.

The birthday boy (always with a soother) clapping for his cake!

Since being in town we've spent some time at the park, which we all love. One day we met up with my sister and her girls, and we went on an adventure! It was so fun! We found Easter Bunny poop. For REAL! Josie was so incredibly excited that she came running through the path and out of the tree s and screamed "Ellllliiiiiissss!! It's Easter Bunny pooooooop!! Come seeeee!"

Here she comes! 

Rolling down hills is, by far, the absolute most fun thing you could ever do! EVER!

Up and down, up and down, up and down!

We blew bubbles...the excitement in a child's face when they blow bubbles is so sweet to look at!

Brave Halle...showing us how to climb a rope ladder!

They did this countless times!

Our adventure! Follow the leader!

Jenner enjoying sand!

All of these pictures have made me think about my childhood, how much fun we had. How much love surrounded us. How stress-free life was. 

I've been thinking so much about the past...never wanting to change anything, otherwise life wouldn't be what it is now. But I have just been relishing in it. Relishing in the way Jesse and I came together. Relishing in the lives of our little boys and our nieces. I can't help but open up the computer and look through the over 8,000 pictures I have and remember each moment as if it had just happened yesterday. I remember everything so clearly, every photo brings joy to my heart. I have hundreds of videos of the kids. I was just watching videos from when Jenner was first born, and I am so grateful that women were given the gift of growing and nurturing a child within ourselves. I only wish we possessed the strength to get over that hump, the six weeks after labour, and get our hormones back so that the darker times are few and far between. I remember staring down at Jenner and feeling so much love and joy but still some sadness. I don't know what about, or for what reason, and I don't care to know. I and just so pleased that I have gotten over that, moved on, and have been in absolute, heart throbbing love with my boys. All of them. My husband and our babies. (We have our moments, but I don't want to ruin this moment by thinking about them!)

I hope to spend years in this house, really make it our own. At first we figured it would just be a stepping stone to the dream home we've always wanted...but I have been having some pretty big dreams fulfilled in this house...and am seeing more come to life as the days go by. So maybe, we won't settle, but we will flourish in this house, just as we are.

And now, I'd like to bless you with our first family picture in this house...it's most flattering! And quite typical of us...

Also, a few more of my favourite pics from our new home so far....

Grandma Lil, squishing her face on the window, getting giggles out of Jenner

faking it

OK, so some people have told me that they think I have my sh*t together...and to them I say thank you...but yes, I am faking it!
The times I actually have all my household chores done and sleeping children and time for relaxing are rare...but when they happen...you can bet I am posting that as my status on facebook; proudly showing off my abilities to be a good mama and wife. However, the other days, when I am run ragged, exhausted, makeup from the day before still pasted on my face (and pillow) I do not talk about it. Unless its to my friends. Anyone else must think that I have it all together!

Some days I don't get in a shower, let alone a washroom break. Some days I leave all of the dishes in the sink until bedtime, when I can fire them into the dishwasher, which I am in LOVE with! (I have never had a dishwasher)

Some days I can be a sweep-it-all-under-the-carpet kinda gal. Not necessarily a good thing, because I will apply that to every thing in my life. My feelings, my thoughts, laundry, etc...I will avoid it. But we all know how that goes...it builds and builds and builds until there is nowhere else for it to go but OUT! And boy, does it come out.

I am so fortunate to have a husband/best friend who understands me in that way. He always asks how I am, how my day was, and I attribute that to his awesome parents. They are the kind of parents who sit at the kitchen table with you during supper and have a conversation. An actual conversation. They joke around, debate, go back and forth...and after all is said and done, your plates are empty, your stomach and heart are full and you have no idea where the time went! It's so great to sit and be in their company. They believe in getting it all out on the table...no pun intended. They believe that if you have an issue you talk about it, sort it out, and move on. Don't dwell on it!
They are such great people and I find myself luckier and luckier everyday to be a part of their family. They are so similar to mine, that life with them involved is so natural.
My little men are very lucky too.

It's family like ours who make it easy to fake it. They are incredibly supportive and encouraging.

So thanks family...

mish, mash, mosh...a blog about lots of stuff

Laura she gets me every time. With out fail. Knows exactly what I am thinking or needing. It must be the whole work-at-home-mom thing...
It seems no one understands the daily struggles we face, unless they too, are at home, surrounded by babies, laundry, dishes, hand prints on windows, food stuck on carpets (that were FRESHLY steamed) or the high pitched screams...oh those screams. Which are not always sad or hurt, but mostly from excitement. Still...they hurt my ears.


A few days ago, I needed out. Just for a while...just to breath. So at 8:30pm I went tanning (so did Laura), I went to Wal-Mart to get ideas for Jenner's first birthday. And I can not believe my little baby is going to be one. Sigh. One!! He acts like a 15 month old...stomps his feet when he wants something. Lays down, very slowly, rolls over and fake cries, or when he "falls" which is really just sitting on his bum quickly, he looks at me for a reaction...for a "Jenner! Oh no! Are you ok!?" It doesn't matter what reaction he gets, because if I so much as make eye contact with him, for a split second after he falls, he cries. Its' really quite humorous. The first time...the forty times afterwards...it gets a little old. And he also says "No-ee, no-ee, no-ee" All. The. Time.


Little monkey.


So anyways, I am out and about. I am kid-free, husband-free...I am feeling good! Then I get a phone call, with a wailing child in the background...a child who should have been put in bed. I think, no, I know, that my husband was trying to hint to me to come home and deal with it...but, man, cell service is crappy in those big stores! So, my phone cut out, and I kept on strolling around.


In Superstore, I met a nice lady...who was also an escapee for the evening! She was so bubbly, and happily packing groceries, and the second we saw each other, she smiled...and said "I haven't been home for five hours!!" I kind of laughed, then she said "I just got my hair done! I went shopping, then I came here! My husband is going to think I left him!"


A few days later, I got my hair done...NICE! So nice to just sit there, talk and be pampered. I have even gone tanning a few times since!


The boys are growing and enjoying our new space. We have been busy visiting with friends, running errands, doing laundry and dishes! The usual...but it has been really lovely.


The snow has melted, we are outside a lot, and I am dreaming of the moment I can get my hands on my yard! Well..not so much excited about picking up the neighbor's dog's poop...but I am excited to landscape it...plant trees, flowers...put down stones. So excited!


I am also very excited to be returning back to part-time work. The first week of May I will start at our local Home Hardware which is such a beautiful store. You can check it out on facebook! They have devoted themselves to making that store what it is today! It has the nicest garden centre in Lloydminster, and that is the truth! I can't wait to start!


Anyways...the boys...the apples of my eyes! And the bags under them...I love my boys!

These two are starting to play and squeal and LAUGH together. Its the sweetest little sound...I recorded it. But couldn't upload it! Grrr!


Every weekday morning, Ellis perches himself on the couch and watches for the school bus...he yells "Loooook mommy LOOK!! The fool bus! Hello fool bus! How are you today!? Ah you taking da kids to fool? Can I ride you when I am a beeeg boy?"
Then he waves and says "Bye little geeyoos and boys! Have a good day!"

Heart melting. His little voice and fuzzy little hair...


Then we go downstairs, to the secret room, and pay school.

This little guy has done so well with the move. He misses the farm. A lot. He talks about poppa's tractor, about the big trucks, he told me the other night that this house was not our home...it's just our new house...and that our home is at the farm.

It made me tear up, it kinda broke my heart...so the next morning we headed out to the farm for a visit. And just played outside with Josie and Halle. We payed in a puddle, and being the sweet little soul he is, Ellis asked me to help him make a stream so he could "set the water free". So we did. We dug with his shovel, and made a stream, and tried to empty the little puddle.

We did this for about forty minutes. He was so happy, and so muddy. It made his day. He still talks about it.
Like every boy he loves puddles...he tells me to drive through them..then he says "Uh oh! Now we gotta go to the cah wash!!!"


Hmm...this could get expensive.


But that day..I went through that puddle, I went through every puddle I could find and there was mud on all of the windows of the truck...and I had to go to the car wash. 


Ellis LOVED it. 


Jenner screamed in fear.




After supper, the little men had a bath...and later ran around naked...which they do every night after the bath...


I had to post a picture...because Jenner's little belly was so full! He looks like a little pot-belly piglet! Pink, rosy and chubby!


Don't worry...the picture is tastefully done!

See? Pot bellied pig syndrome.

A couple days after the visit to the farm, we went and picked up my Grandma Clara and brought her over for tea, supper, dessert, and more tea.

She was so happy, and loved watching Jenner run from room to room...while Ellis napped the afternoon away!

Jenner teases Grandma, just like his big brother does. He would run up to her, smile, then  run away laughing, then circle around just barely teetering on one foot due to the speed of the turn, and he would run right back to her and rest his head on her leg. The second she rubbed his sweet little head, he'd shoot off again! 

Grandma loved how his hair was stuck over his ear like this.

Yes. These boys keep me busy. And each other too. I am so glad they are starting to play together more. I always tell them they are best friends. And Ellis says "Yes. I luff Baby Junnah, and I luff mommy, and I luff doddy...we are all best fwends"

And we are.

a house becomes our home

We did it! We bought our home. We moved in. And we couldn't be happier. Seriously...I don't know HOW we could get any happier...maybe the lottery? This place feels so good. It's so bright and lovely. I just want to run in it. Well, no, the kids want to run in it! I want to decorate it!!!


From the outside our house is plain-jane and looks somewhat small...but on the inside? This place is like a palace to me!! Before, it was brown inside....blech. Brown, taupe, dirt colours...not my thing! SO I repainted, with the help of great friends and Tim Horton's! It took four days to clean and paint the upper level. 


First of all, the cleanliness of this place was not up to par. Anyone who saw it would have agreed. The previous owners did squat to clean it, which was depressing, because I just wanted to come into a clean, fresh house! After two days of cleaning...washing food off walls, removing the disgusting amounts of dirt from under the stove, fridge and even on the tops of the walls where the ceilings are vaulted, I felt better about it. The carpets were...um, well...I could have puked. They were filthy! So we paid $200 to get them steam cleaned and sanitized. Well worth it! They came out looking two shades lighter! Next time...if we ever buy a used home, it will be in the conditions that the places gets professionally cleaned. Our city has really let that slip. In any other city the houses are be expected to be spotless. And speaking to my friends who have bought and sold, bought and sold...they are. I think Lloydminster needs to step it up. 


Anyways...after the grueling hours of cleaning, came the grueling (but entertaining) hours of painting. We went through countless coffee's and teas from Tim's, and spent time (probably more than we needed) standing around visiting! We got it done! And then, we moved in! My family rocks. And my husband's family rocks...and would have helped IF they lived near us! 


So here we are...in our new home, Jenner in his OWN room and sleeping wonderfully! Ellis keeps saying "I like my new house!" Or when he sees the school bus (which stops right in front of our place) he says "Looooook!!! The Fool bus! I can ride it when I am a beeeeeeg boy! Right mommy!?"
Yes, baby Ellis...you can ride the fool bus. He's so cute.


These two boys have not stopped running! They have adapted incredibly well to our new surroundings! But mu husband...who was born and raised in the city, had a few sleepless nights, worried about whether the doors and windows were locked or not. He is sweet like that. He slept with Ellis the first couple nights...I think daddy needed that more than Ellis!


Slowly but surely we will get this house perfect...to say exactly what we want it to say about us...once I clean the dog poop off our lawn it will be better. Much better.
Did I mention we don't have a dog?


Anyways...here is the onslaught of before and after photos...

Kitchen before

Kitchen after (but before we moved in)

Entrance before

Entrance after

Master Bedroom, partially wall papered

My sister and cousin painting the family room

The kids favourite spot...

The Hideout, under the stairs



Life is good. Our family is happy. We've already had so many laughs in our home and are ready for more!
We are also looking forward to all of the company that is planning to come over the next months. It's going to be awesome!!

Good night. I have a wee man who wants to go to bed.