Keeping the Peace and the Pieces together.

Trying to keep the little men occupied, busy, happy, comforted...while daddy is away working. These are the times where I need to be strong. Supportive. Encouraging. I need be focused and be the glue that keeps these boys; their hearts, their minds, their souls and spirits together, vibrant, golden. I need to be the spark in myself to get up each and every day and spill goodness and strength, overflow with joyous love for my kids, my husband and our lives. I need to encourage my husband, so that he can get through his 21 days of work, six hours away from us, in a camp. I know he feels solitude some nights. He lays there and feels the longing in his chest to be at home with us. I know, because I feel it too. I feel it for him, for myself, and for our boys. Night after night, day after day, I explain why daddy works away...not because he doesn't want to be home, because he does - and very badly. They need to be told that daddy doesn't want to miss out on things like birthdays, play school, swimming lessons...but he has to sometimes, and no matter what, if he is here or not, he is always very proud. And I send him pictures all the time, even though he doesn't see them right away, he always tells the boys how happy he is to see them doing so many fun things. There are days when the five minutes of FaceTime is just not enough. They are craving real hugs, kisses, and wrestling matches in the living room, they want to clean his work truck with him, hold his hand in a store, show him their crafts from the day. Sometimes that quick five minutes is a god send, where Jesse can magically pick up all the pieces of a day that spiraled out of control with tantrums, time outs, spats, and a haggard mommy. I do my absolute best to keep positive. To walk tall and proud and get all my chores done. When really I'd like to fall apart and cry into my pillow and release the stresses of parenting alone for weeks at a time. I wish for those moments where Jesse would be home and I could go have a bath or shower uninterrupted...where I could actually finish a cup of coffee before it gets cold, or spilled. A day where I could go, child-free, to the grocery store, or a hair appointment.
I have had days where friends or family have popped over unannounced and I have been mortified because I hadn't yet cleaned up breakfast dishes, combed my hair, or gotten the kids dressed. And I feel judged. Although, I'm sure they aren't judging...but I always assume I'm under scrutiny. Those days where the boys are acting up...and I instantly think that they see me as a spaz of a mother who's bad attitude is washing over her children. That's not the case. The truth is, you walked into our home in the middle of a long, three week shift where we are all tired, missing daddy, and feeling down. I am a little annoyed at people who presume that my kids are acting up because of me and my actions, and yes, I know 100% that parents affect their kids. But so does solo parenting. The lack of a father around the house causes more pain than you may know. And it affects MY home in a HUGE way...my husband is a devote father and husband, who rarely takes time for himself. Aside from the odd beer with friends, he does nothing. I bought him an ice-fishing shack for Christmas and its still in wrapping paper. I've told him, begged him, encouraged him to go on a trip with his buddies...he won't. So when someone who is such a positive reinforcement of love & discipline is gone, it hits us hard. The boys fall to pieces for the first four days after he's gone, as I try to get a home that had a whirlwind of a week with daddy home, back in order. When daddy is home it is all about him and the boys...we do everything together. Every. Thing. There's not much alone time for him and the kids, or for myself and him, or for just me, or just him...
The weeks he is gone are long, we struggle, but we look at it day by day, and get through it, sometimes barely, sometimes with flying colours. We have days where we excel as a little team of three, and days where we don't. Days where they boys listen and act perfectly, and days where they don't. Days where I am patient and days where I'm not. And boy do I ever feel bad when I'm not.  I always feel like I'm not quite good enough...like I'm not quite doing the job and being the best mom my boys could ask for. This is where Jesse comes in...he always has the right words to say to the boys. I feel I can't quite word things the way he can. I guess that happens when you are constantly trying to talk the little people up, teach them to be kind, solve their little (big) arguments, and are working around the clock. I know that these years are short, and I try to relish in them, and take pictures, and remember funny stories they tell me, and feel their excitement, and hope that their sweet small voices will forever be etched into my memory...I try so hard to answer all the questions and pleas; why do we grow up, why do we die, where do we go, will we come back, I don't want to grow up, I always want to be your little boy...it's exhausting...and fulfilling. But that stuff takes two. I need that support, where when I'm slipping and feeling a little overwhelmed, I need that extra little push, those small words of encouragement that take a stressful, gloomy day and turn it around and make it a bright, happy day. I need to feel like I am not doing this alone. I know that I'm not "technically" doing this alone...but three weeks at a time gets lonesome and discouragement creeps up out of no where. It's overwhelming to think that I am the soul person caring for and in control of these little men, that every move, word, and step I take are plowing the way for these two little boys. That everything I do and say is moulding them into the grown men they will one day become. It is such a bright and glaring light to look in to. Every downfall and mistake I make burns me, makes me feel like I am doing them such an injustice, that they won't excel in certain things because of me, and what I couldn't provide for them. Because of what I lack. How do I teach them things that only a daddy can teach them? I feel like they are missing out on so much because I am one singular person and can't possibly be spread so far thin. And some days that is how I feel...and I have to try so hard to shake that thought, that I am not good enough. And that I deserve a break. And that I deserve to feel good about that break. I feel like I shouldn't leave their sides when Jesse is gone, because it's unfair that their daddy is gone away, so why should their mommy be away too? I went on a five day trip in February and I felt guilty the entire time. And I still do. I know how sad they are that their daddy is gone away for work, and I have to scoop them up and make them feel good about it.
I need to find some balance, and I will find it. We have been doing this for seven months, and can continue to do it. I just need to know that I have been doing this as best I can, and tripping and stumbling is normal, and its easy to get back up, wipe the dirt off and go on. I will continue to give hugs and kisses every day, I will sooth sick, scared little boys at night, I will go through days of little to no sleep, days of cleaning, grocery shopping, play school, play dates, swimming lessons, and I will do it all as best I can. And I will try not to feel an ounce of guilt when I need to picked up, dusted off and sent on my way. Being a parent is the absolute, hardest, most rewarding job out there. And if you don't have kids, you really, really will not understand. So be soft on your judgments. Be kind to little kids who are having a bad day because they cried at bedtime for their daddy to come home...they aren't bad kids. They aren't being brats. They are sad. They feel lonely for their daddy. They don't need a time out, or a spanking. They need a hug. They need to be told that its ok. That daddy will be home soon. And that they are good little people. It breaks my heart when my kids are acting out because they don't know how to express how much they miss their dad. And I have to try and remain calm, keep my frustrations at bay, and calm them down, while teaching them how to properly show emotions. That its ok to cry, it's not necessary to be mean, and that talking is the best thing you can do when you're sad. Then reaffirm all that with hugs and a long cuddle. Kids are so delicate. Why do we want to harden them?

My boys have their calendars marked for the day daddy comes home. They stand on a chair, get a pen and make an "X" and tell me its almost time. All the while, I try to make it enjoyable, productive and comfortable for them. We build forts, paint pictures, do crafts, tell stories, they have chores, we clean up, walk the dog, and just BE. We try to keep things as normal as we can while daddy is gone. And we try not to be sad that he is working away, we try to stay positive. (Not easy, but we try.)

My New Year's Resolution

Its been too long since I last blogged...not sure why. Sometimes life gets away on us, and it reminds me to slow down. Take some time. Reflect. Soak it all in.

Over the holidays, I tried my best to keep the gifts down to a minimum. I have seen so many people spoil their already spoiled children. I'm not saying they are "bad" kids or "bad" parents for doing so...it just gets a little grotesque.

My kids are far from perfect. And I try my hardest to deal with poor behaviour properly and constructively. However, my kids would NEVER hit, bite, or scratch an ADULT. They haven't even done that to other kids - minus the hitting part. I get that kids hit. But it needs to be stopped. Ellis and Jenner are both firecrackers. They are both busy. They keep me on my toes. They keep me on edge. They keep me sane. They keep me. In their little hearts. That's where I am. And I try everyday to wade through my own BS and show them how to be good people. And some days I fail. Some days I want to give up. But most days, they are good, kind kids. I will never forget whe Ellis raised his voice at me in front of my closest friend, and she turned around and said "Don't you speak to your mother like that in front of me!" And that little bull-headed four year old raised his voice at HER. Well, that was it! As stubborn as he is, she kept at him CALMLY and would NOT be pushed around by a child. And I intervened when I could (I was driving) and reaffirmed what she was saying. And I had to ask him several times to apologize to her. He forgot how. And I kept on him, and so did she. And finally he said sorry. And he meant it. He loves her. She doesn't take any shit from any kid. And my kids STILL love her. This goes to show, that even if you don't spoil your kids until your house is cramped full of toys, that they will still love you.

We can buy our kids anything they want. But we DON'T. Because that is not the point of LIFE.

Life is about learning. Loving. Growing. Respect. Exploring. Playing outside. Cuddling. It's about PEOPLE. Family. Friends. Quality Time with those you love.

I am putting this out to the universe. I do NOT want more TOYS for my kids. I will get them toys for their birthdays. ONE toy each. I might get them clothes. And Christmas, Santa is the one who puts gifts under our tree. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, friends - save your money. Do not dump toys on us. I feel like toys are useless gifts that get played with for five minutes and fought over for three.

Up until Christmas morning there was no gifts under our tree. Every single person who came to our house asked "Where's all the presents!!??" Astounded that there were none.
I said "Santa brings the presents".

And on Christmas morning, he did. And there were TEN. Four for each kid, and two to share. There was clothing, a couple toys and play dough. And the damn playdough is my saving grace EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Have you ever been at home with your kids, and one of them says some rude remark that a smart-ass adult would make, and you actually catch yourself having a little chuckle? Now, has that same child ever said that same way-too-old-and-cheeky-for-a-child-remark in front of another adult? Have you ever noticed that adults reaction?

I really don't that our generation, and the ones following us, are actually putting in the parenting time they should be. A lot of us use sitters, nannies, day homes - and that's absolutely fine because its a necessity that both parents work in most households. I know there are damn good people out there who watch our children for house. But there are also low quality caregivers. There's even low quality parents. I just can't fathom being a parent that doesn't use time outs, or doesn't use some sort of discipline. And I don't mean the biting or hitting them back kind of parenting. Because THAT is not parenting, that is bull shit. That teaches them nothing. Well, no, it teaches them revenge. I have seen so many parents say "Do you want me to do that to you?" and then they do. And every time, I bite my tongue. Biting your kid doesn't make them stop biting. Giving your kids toy after toy after toy, doesn't make them less spoiled.

Say no once in a while. Put them on a time out. Allow them that time to reflect on their errors. If they don't understand it now, they will later. They will be better little people for it. Consistency. That's was they need.

We need to respect our kids, we need to give them the skills to be GOOD, honest, hard-working people. Not little brats that no one wants to be around. My kids will tell me if there are kids they don't want to play with. And it's because of their behavior. If my four year old and two and almost three year old can see that some kids aren't the type of kids they want to be around, what do you think other adults will think of them?

I really hope we can all open our eyes soon and see that we don't need to spend money on our kids for them to have a good life. I hope I have the strength to do that. How easy is it to buy a little toy car just to make your kid happy while you're trucking around a cart full of groceries at Superstore? Why not let them have their fit, and talk to them, explain to them that there is a difference between wants and needs. We NEED these groceries in this cart, so that we can eat and be healthy. We WANT that toy car because we like things that are shiny and new, but we already have ten different versions of that car, so we don't need it.

My kids have TWELVE flashlights. Twelve. I've never bought them one. They have more flashlights then I do, because I figure I don't need any, since they have more than they need. I can't even begin to guess how many toy cars they have. Or stuffed animals. Or holiday socks. Or clothes.

I like productive toys - like colouring books and playdough, or puzzles. But we have MORE than enough of that stuff to last us over the next three years.

So what do my kids need?

Love
Affection
Encouragement
Understanding
Support
Self-Worth
People Skills
Manners
Confidence
Strength
Pride
Humour
Balance
Humility
Dignity
Knowledge
Will
Obedience
Respect
Faith
Experiences

That's just to name a few. Not one "thing" was on that list. And I hope to keep it that way. And it is going to be SO hard. And there will be days that I know I will eat my words. But I am going to try as hard as I damn well can to stand by it.

Over the next little while, I will be picking through the boys stuff with a fine-toothed comb. Items that are duplicates, useless to them, or they no longer use will be donated.
I will also be implementing a no-buy rule for family and friends. A gift I, myself, will be giving to my children, nieces, and friends' children, will be money. Five or ten dollars for their birthdays. And that is something I will accept for my kids. But NO MORE.
They can let their little bank accounts grow. And when they head to college they can have access to it. Or if they want to buy themselves a used vehicle one day.

I am going to give my kids experiences and create memories around TIME SPENT with family, as opposed to MONEY SPENT on stuff.

Welcome to 2013, a big shift is coming, in more ways than one. And it is going to be awesome!

Gravity

In life, we have constants, that one person who is always there...sometimes quietly in the background, sometimes cheering us on loudly. That one person who pulls, or pushes us in the right direction. That one person who you look towards for strength, support, advice...or just that silence. You know, the silence that is so calming, so relaxing...so full of love. 

In my life, I have a large group of these "constants" ... my parents, siblings, grandparents, and friends. 

This past Monday night, I lost one of the most constant in my life.

For almost 32 years, my grandpa was my buddy, my neighbor, my hero. He will always be my hero...and a nation's hero. I can proudly say, that this man passed peacefully, the way an old soldier deserves to. With dignity, with peace, with comfort...in his sleep. And you can guarantee he was dreaming of his loving wife, his partner for over 67 years. The woman he vowed to love, till death do them part. And he did, with all his might. They were an amazing team, raising a family of four children, struggling through life, the victories, the losses, the injustices, the celebrations. They lived long, they lived healthy, they lived true.

They vowed to do everything together, and that they did. They are the finest example of love. The finest example of marriage. The finest example of friendship, strength, and devotion.

I grew up in the same yard as grandma and grandpa, and I truely feel every child should be that close to their grandparents. My sister and I would walk down the little driveway leading directly from our house to theirs. We would go in for visits and have juice, grapefruit...and I always made sure to sneak a handful of peppermints. They were my favourite, and grandpa's too...he even had a little container that he kept in his car for those drives in to town every Friday. Sometimes our walks down would turn in to day long visits, and lead in to sleepovers, where they would pull out the bed on the settee in the living room, just so we could fall asleep while they watched tv. In the mornings, we would wake up when they did, and the table would already be set for four. Each place had a plate with a bowl on top, fork, knife, spoon, and a glass for orange juice. Special K was the cereal, and grapefruit with sugar was the fruit. I will never forget those times. 


Life was so good. So simple. Grandpa looked after his love as best he could. He made a life for her in Canada, and she is so proud of him for it.


My grandparents met on a blind date and have been together ever since. Young love, a war bride from England and a Canadian Soldier. We literally would not be here right now, if it wasn't for them. 


I gush with pride. My heart is aching to see my pops again. He was at every music festival, every Christmas concert, every 4-H Expo I was involved in. He was a constant, like gravity, he grounded me when I needed to be, he straightened me out when I went of track, he told me countless stories of WWII, he taught me how to play crib, he held my babies, he laughed with them and always sang Amazing Grace to them. He has no idea how important he was to me, and how highly I spoke of him to others. He was my hero. My friend. He was my Pops, and I am so happy that he helped make me who I am today.


He was an honorable man. He was a truthful man. He was a gentleman. He had such a great sense of humour. All the way until the day before he passed. 


He had been in the hospital for a week and one day before he passed. And my sister and  I made every effort we could to see him, to either take grandma there, or back home. The day he went in to emergency, I went in to visit him. The second I walked in he should his head, wearing his little smirk on his face, and said "You're the last person I wanna see!" and he gave a good chuckle. I laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and he bullied me away with his arm as usual. He was such a good guy, always joking and teasing. He asked how I was and how the boys were. He loved seeing his great grandkids. 


He and I had this little thing we have done for years, where we make a fist and stick out the knuckle of our middle fingers as far as we could, and we'd knock the together...he used to do it hard to me, and it would hurt! But I would always make out like it didn't. Every time I visited him this past week, we did that. Because that's what we did. Even the day before he passed, I stood by his bed, stuck out my knuckle and said "Wanna give me a shot old boy?" and he said, "I'll give ya one last go." It was a hard one, and I really acted hurt, his eyes looked as though they felt bad, and he said "Did I hurt you?" I laughed and said no, and asked if he was hurt, his reply, as he shook his head was, "Nope, you can't hurt me!" He was beaming, had that little spark in his eyes. Even though he was 12 days shy of his 91st birthday, he was young at heart. That's what kept him going. He was an incredibly healthy man until the night he passed. Just a few things over the last year that slowed him down.


After a long life of hard work, he really deserves his rest. I know that he will be here, watching over me, the way he'd watch my sister and I play in our yard on hot summer days. From a distance...


I love you Pops. You were a good man, and there aren't many like you around. I'm sad to see you go, but I promise to look after Grandma the way you did. She deserves to be looked after.


Rest peacefully. At ease.

Remembrance Day

June 2010
Grandpa Harold with Jenner
the oldest Noble and the youngest Noble, 89 yrs between them

Grandpa Harold, 19 years old

December 5, 1944 

February 2011
Photo Credit: www.pictureitperfect.me

There it is...that little twinkle in his eyes and smirk on his lips. 

September 24, 2011 down at the river, celebrating Ellis & Addy's birthdays
He spent the day beaming.

Singing to my baby Jenner on his first birthday.♥

January 2012, Halle's birthday...these two are such good sports!

Gramps was wrapped around Halle's finger since the day he laid eyes on her.

This one makes me cry...knuckles...what you can't see is his smile.
What you can't hear is his laugh as he does it. I miss you so much Gramps.

Love, Tears and Bobby-pins

Big G

My Grandma Clara passed away on August 5th. As hard as it is still, I am happy for her. She has been "ready to go home" for at least a year now. It's hard to picture the rest of my life without her, as she has been such a strong presence in it for almost 31 years. But, I will try to do her proud and let her spirit live through me.

I am going to miss her smile, hugs, jokes, long talks and walks. She was such a strong, beautiful woman; unbelievably proud and overflowing with love.

She led an honest life, accepted others as they were, never passed judgement, never raised her voice, and always made you feel as though you were important.

Our family has had an ongoing joke for years, where we all say "I'm her favourite". And she would say, to your face, "You're my favourite." And if you were to look in every single birthday card of every single family member, it says, "To my favourite Grand Daughter" or grandson, or whatever you were to her. It's such a simple little thing, but it made us feel awesome!! And still does.

Big Grandma (who wasn't big physically, but had the biggest heart ever) was the head of a family of over 100 members. She left a legacy behind her. She set a fine example for each and every one of us. She had an extremely special relationship with each and every one of us. And she made all of us feel as though we were the most important, special person in her life. The moment she saw us, her eyes lit up, her smile lit up and her hands came out to cup your face as we gave her a kiss. "I love you" were always the first and last words from her mouth when we visited. I still hear her soft voice. I miss it. And over and over, I tell myself, this is life, things change, people come and go, and all you can do is cherish each moment.

I think of the many losses she had in her life. Years and years of losing her loved ones. She out lived children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, her husband, sister and many friends. She always found comfort in knowing they were with God. And she missed them dearly, but looked forward to the day she would reunite with each and every one of them.

She was a devoted woman. Devoted to her husband, Grandpa Gerry, who had passed away over 30 years ago. Never did she love another man. She was his wife, and only his. I couldn't imagine how lonely she must have felt. But she surrounded herself with so many good people, came to every family function, felt the joy in holding a new baby and allowed these things to fill the void. She was amazing. She really was.


I have hundreds of fond memories of Grandma...spending the night at her house, baking bannock, picking berries, feeding chickens, getting eggs, feeding horses...everything was so simple. It was all so fun, so happy. I don't remember every feeling sad when I was around her...I don't remember fighting with my siblings or cousins around her. She had this calmness and peacefulness around her and there was no need for negativity.

The morning of August 5th, I woke up with a strong feeling that I needed to go see Big Grandma. She had been in the U of A hospital in Edmonton since the day before because of a broken hip. I just had that sinking feeling. I knew that this was it, as I'm sure many of us did. I called my dad and said I wanted to go see her, he said he'd come with me later on that day. While we were on the phone, the other line beeped and he was told by my mom that she was going. She wasn't strong enough for surgery and had suffered a severe heart attack earlier that morning.

My dad and I ended up traveling together to the city to be with her, my mom and aunt. This was it. We had a good trip, and just kind of let the fact that Grandma was going sink in. I caught myself tearing up a few times and praying "Please wait for me Grandma, please wait." I had so much I wanted to tell her.

We pulled up to the hospital and walked in to find her in her room. I had a very nervous, uneasy feeling...I was scared, and didn't know what to expect.

We walked in to her room, I saw my mom and asked "How is she?" she came towards me with tears and said "Not good." We cried and hugged, and I said firmly, "It's OK, this is OK."

I sat by Grandma's bed, held her hand, hugged her, kissed her, told her I loved her, told her I was so happy she got to show my babies how much she loved them, told her it was ok to go to heaven, told her I was so grateful to have her as my grandma.

I took a deep breath, and that familiar sense of calm and peace came over me. I didn't let go of her beautiful, soft, hard working hand. I started to sing to her. I sang "Angel" by Sarah McLachlin. We spent the next couple hours trying to keep her comfortable. We talked and laughed and let her know we were with her.

I grabbed her hand one last time and started to sing "If I Needed You". She squeezed my hand, and before I was finished the first verse, she went. So peacefully.

Minutes later, more and more family members came in to the room. They has all been traveling as quickly as they could to get to Grandma. We all just wanted to be there for her as she had been there for us. We ended up having an apple juice toast to her, her beauty, her strength, her courage and legacy. We really did celebrate her life.

I am so blessed to have been at her side when she passed. It was such a beautiful experience. I hope to be there for as many people as I can when they go. I think it as just as important to let someone go out of this world with open arms as it is to welcome them into this world with open arms.

Death is a beautiful as birth, because it's a rebirth. I find comfort in that.

That night, the sky was black, it seemed as though there would be a storm coming. And we began the 2 1/2 hour drive home. We pulled in to a gas station off the highway to fuel up. I drove mom, and my dad drove my aunt. We were all so exhausted and commented on how dark it was out. We headed back towards home and almost instantly the Northern Lights came out and literally lit the highway all the way home. It was pretty incredible. We new it was Grandma looking out for us, as she always has.

Over the last four weeks I have cried on and off. I have spent hours and hours curled up in one of the many blankets Grandma had made. I feel her around me. I feel that calm. That peace.



I've also noticed bobby-pins. I've found about six. And i makes me giggle...Grandma always had a little bobby-pin in her hair. I've found them at the top of my stairs, on ein my bathroom, one at the mall entrance, Jenner found one under our coffee table, and even one in my key bowl.

I like that she keeps leaving me little reminders of her. I hope she continues to do so. I hope to visit with her in my dreams.

I love you Grandma Clara. Thank you for being such a big part of my life.

After this short little walk last summer, she came upstairs and had tea with Jesse and I.
We talked for hours about the old days.
One of my most favourite memories.